In today’s #vatniksoup, I’ll introduce a Russo-Serbian-American actor, martial artist and carrot-enjoyer, Steven Seagal. He’s best-known for allegedly pooping his pants, for his praise of dictators around the world, for being a dick, and for his sexual harassment lawsuits.

Seagal’s roots go back to Russia, and his paternal grandparents were Russian Jewish (actual Russian Jewish, not the Donbass Devushka kind) immigrants. In an interview by Dmitry Borisov, …

…he stated that his paternal ancestry can be located to the Siberian city Vladivostok but also to Belarus and St. Petersburg.

Steven got into the movie business in 1987, when he cooperated in Above the Law with Andrew Davis. With zero acting skills and …

…experience in martial arts, he became one of the action movie B-listers, appearing in movies like Hard to Kill and Marked for Death. His wider success came from his 1992 movie, Under Siege. Until the early 2000s, Steven was somewhat successful action star, but after…

…the relatively successful Exit Wounds (2001), most of his movies have been released as direct-to-video.

His success during the early 90s also landed him a spot as a host on Saturday Night Live. The series’ Lorne Michaels, David Spade and Tim Meadows described Seagal…

…as “show’s worst host ever”. They called on his humorlessness and on his ill-treatment of the cast and writers. Seagal also refused to do a skit with characters that had previously claimed they could “beat up Steven Seagal”.

Seagal has also been involved in various business endeavors, of which most have failed to make money. In 2005, his company Seagal Enterprises produced an energy drink, “Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt”, but the product was quickly discontinued.

He’s also launched an aftershave, “Scent of Action”. In 2013, Seagal teamed up with Russian weapons manufacturer, ORSIS, to promote his signature rifle known as “ORSIS by Steven Seagal”. He’s also lobbyed for lifting off the US import restrictions on Russian firearms.

In addition to collecting sword, Seagal also collects sexual harassment lawsuits. He’s been involved in various harassment cases since the early 90s, and for example Portia de Rossi has told that he’d unzipped …

…his pants after saying “how important it was to have chemistry off-screen” during audition.

He also told then 16-year-old Katherine Heigl in 1994 that “he had girlfriends the same age”. Seagal’s also been accused of raping an 18-year-old.

As so many Russian shills, Seagal has been involved in cryptocurrencies. In 2020, after failing to disclose payments for the promotion of Bitcoiin2Gen & agreed to pay a total of 314 000 USD as penalty. He’s also been blamed by various stuntmen for intentionally hitting them.

While filming the movie Out for Justice, Gene LeBell choked Seagal unconscious after Steven had claimed that his “immune” to such attacks. As a result, Seagal lost control of his bowels. This incident may be the reason why Putin likes him so much.

Steven Seagal is a huge Putin fan, once describing him as “one of the great living world leaders”. He showed strong support for the annexation of Crimea, and even appeared there in Aug, 2014, at an event organized by the motor cycle gang, Night Wolves. At the event, he …

…depicted Ukraine as a “country controlled by fascists”. In 2016, Putin handed out a Russian passport to Seagal at an orchestrated event, but he had gotten his Russian citizenship already in November 2014, few months after appearing at the absurd event in Crimea.

In May 2021, the fake opposition party A Just Russia — Patriots — For Truth announced that they are giving Steven an official membership card to their party. In March 2022, Seagal celebrated his 70th birthday in Moscow, with many guests under Western sanctions as guests.

Later that year Steven visited Olenivka in Donetsk, with former Ponzi schemer and leader of the puppet state DPR, Denis Pushilin as his host. According to Pushilin, Seagal also interviewed Ukrainian POWs, thus breaking the Geneva convention.

In 2013, Seagal was invited as a guest at Ramzan Kadyrov’s birthday party in Chechnya. Steven called him a “great leader”, and Kadyrov referred to him as “almost a Chechen national.”

When visiting Belarussian dictator Lukashenko, Steven was given one carrot and one watermelon as a gift. After receiving the watermelon, he commented “Nice. Nice.”

In February 2023, he was awarded with the Russian Order of Friendship for his “major contribution to the development of international cultural and humanitarian cooperation”.Earlier this month, it was reported that Russia has recruited Steven to teach martial arts to its soldiers.